Mexico was a blast. Beaching, drinking, eating, swimming, napping, and enough tequila shots to last a college career. Just kidding, I went to La Crosse where $1 tequila shots at the Library were all you could afford. Anyway this was my first time in Mexico and first time at an all-inclusive resort. I had not even experienced the beach vacation setting before, so there was a lot to learn.
Save the advice from your mother, I am not going to remind you to apply sunscreen and wait 30 minutes after eating before entering the water. You should still listen your momma, because that is crucial vacation survival advice. But here’s my reality advice, things your mom just can’t possibly know because she’s not as
stupid daring as me.
Lesson #1. Never Sit On The Beach Where The Tide Rolls In!
I thought I had seen this in pictures… People sitting on the beach, letting the tide wash over them on repeat. You know, this sweet spot right over here. I had suggested to Drew that we take a seat, because I imagined it being so relaxing.
You know it did feel kind of good, for a moment. Of course, minus all the seaweed clinging to us as the water receded. And also the fact that water was washing away everything but a small mound of hard sand beneath our rumps. VERY awful. When we finally couldn’t take it anymore, we stood up to escape the discomfort… only to find a diaper full of sand hanging from our bathing suits. You can imagine us franticly dashing into the ocean, trying to shake out the sand from our bottoms. Good grief, never again.
Lesson #2. La Discoteca Actually Plays Disco and is A Place For The Youths
So the first couple nights, Drew and I had been missing out on the nightlife scene. There was always a performance at our resort at night, but it would only last until 11:00pm. The resort also offered a sports bar that stayed open all night, but there was no music. We were really looking to shake our groove things on the dance floor. So one day, we found out where “la discoteca” (the nightclub) was located at another resort. We had stayed at a RIU resort, and they allowed you to visit the surrounding RIU resorts also, which were all within 10 minutes walking distance.
So one night at midnight, we walked down to the discoteca at another resort. On our walk, Drew confessed he thought this was just a disco place, meaning they would only be playing disco music. I busted a gut laughing and prodding at him for this. When we arrived, believe it or not, they were playing disco music… face to palm. Joke was on me. Eventually they did play some pop songs, but more disco/latin music than pop. Apparently, I need to brush up on my understanding of the Spanish language. 😉
The other slight detail was that the discoteca was a gathering for sweaty, libidinous teenagers. This was my first time feeling too old for the scene, but we enjoyed it anyway. We danced, drinks in hand, like we were the only fools in the room…. for about an hour… until we couldn’t stay up any longer and had to hit the hay. You know because we’re old and farty.
Lesson #3. Iguanas are Scrappy Mothertruckers
These little scaly green beasts scutter and scamper wherever they please. You must keep one eye on them at all times, because they are lurking everywhere. The worst part is that they are camouflage, well not really, but they blend in very well to my unwatchful eyes. Most of the iguanas appear rather lethargic on first glance, but do not trust that perception for a moment.
Drew and I were minding our own business, climbing some stairs at the Mayan ruins of Tulum, when this twit of an iguana starts scurrying in the bush right beside us and trying to pick a fight. Drew let out a shriek as he was nearest to the bush, but swiftly arm-barred and saved my life from the vicious iguana. At least I know he’d take a
bullet rabid iguana for me.
On another note, do not hold the very large iguana unless you have five bucks in your pocket. General rule: stay far, far away from the iguanas.
Lesson #4. Do Not Pass Out At The Poolside
This probably sounds ridiculous, because napping in a pool chair seems super relaxing, right? Sure it was, I’ll give you that. But there are repercussions! Repercussions, you and I would never think of, but apparently these little ideas are swimming through the noggins of little Generation Z-er’s with their growing up on Snapchat and what not.
You’re probably starting to get the picture, but let me make it easier for you. I’ll blow it up niiice and big. 🙂
I was just sleeping away in my own little world, book dropped from passing out, strawberry dacquiri within reach for when I woke. But yeah… I was looking like this. I don’t think you can see it here even with the enlarged photo, but there is drool streaming down my face.
I was just begging for a preteen to sneak over and blow up their story, and that’s just what happened. Drew was relaxing in the pool and watched it all go down. Not even a peep from Drew along the lines of “You meddling kids!” as they huddled around for some snaps.
Pretty sure I would have watched it happen too if I were him and pretty sure their caption was “#NoFilter #LotsOfDroolThough”. I’m sure this is the closest I will ever get to 5 seconds of fame, so I should probably stop complaining.